When do I usually write? I honestly write most of the time. It is just that when I experience extreme emotions, I write it on a piece of paper rather than type it. Think of it as saving myself from embarrassment and saving you from reading such things.
And maybe now you’re wondering what has happened to me these past months and why am I actually writing right now..
All I can say is that A LOT has happened. A LOT HAS CHANGED. From my college life to my social life to my bucket list, my travel experiences, my (love) life?? and even my haircut!!
These past months have been a roller coaster ride for me. I have experienced the most extreme emotions I have ever had EVER in my life. (I know, that’s redundant but I have to prove my point here!) These are not necessarily negative things but neither is everything positive.
It has been exactly 10 months since my last personal blog and though I cannot share with you everything that has happened because well.. I can’t remember everything or maybe I don’t want to remember everything? I’ll try and give you a jist of everything.
My views, values and morals have been challenged. My character was really tested because of the opportunities and situations that came my way. I am no superwoman but I believe that though that is the case, we still have the power to choose. It is important to never lose sight of yourself and the self that you want to be. At the end of the day, I think it will always boil down to “Did you do what you wanted to do but is within the “path” you want yourself to take? And while at it, did you not hurt any one with or without their knowledge?”. That’s a thought to ponder on.
Experience is the best teacher they say. But I believe too that prevention is better than cure. One need not experience everything for them to learn. It is best to learn from other’s mistakes to save yourself from the consequences.
I, too, have questioned myself a lot. I think this has got to be my biggest challenge. Admittedly, I still haven’t gotten over this hurdle until this point. I have been so reliant on how others think of me and it has made me over-think more than usual or more than what is “acceptable”. Because of over-thinking, my moods are sometimes unpredictable and there are times when I have tantrums and start petty fights with some people who I don’t think gives me enough attention. I become sarcastic, give them the silent treatment or just simply act cold to them. And well.. that is unfair for them. They don’t deserve that and I shouldn’t demand for anything since nothing is really official. Sometimes I just feel that I’m being put on reserve but there are no perks to being this kind of reserve.
Expectations lead to disappointments but there are times where I really can’t help but expect or at least hope for it. And when it doesn’t happen, of course, it affects me. I try not to get affected a lot and so far, it has worked a little for me. I know I have to work more on this.
Don’t get me wrong.. I know I can control it but before, when I do try to distance my self a bit, I actually end up totally pushing people away and I am tired of pushing people away. I am not used to controlled distances. I don’t pretend. I am my usual self when I’m with other people and I want them to be like that too. I dislike barriers.
When I want you in my life, I want you close. And if I start to believe that we have to have some distance and that this friendship or any other type of relationship needs that, I almost always end up too guarded to even want you close. I am a clingy person and a person of extremes. I don’t know if that is bad but.. I think I should learn to adjust. Or maybe distance myself if I feel like they don’t want me in their life? It’s hard to find out but I think I can act based on how they treat me and how they make me feel when with them or not.
Anyway I think this post is becoming too emotional
I have been going out a lot compared to before. I am used to going home straight after my classes just because I want to skip the traffic when going home at a later time. Now, I often go to school earlier to have lunch with friends. Or stay after class for dinner. Or even call them when I suddenly have breaks between classes. I have also been on a road trip Manila-Laguna-Tagaytay-Manila just because we wanted too. Also, because of one of my classes, I have been to Bohol with my classmates and it is just a different type of bonding for us. We learned so much about one another and ourselves too. It was unforgettable.
After 10 years of having long hair, I’ve decided to cut it short (not super short but 7-8 inches have been removed). I now sport a bob. Why? Well.. they say that women cut their hair when they’ve experienced something extreme that is out of the usual – and usually in a negative way and yea.. maybe that happened to me too? It is still fresh for me and there are times (often) that I still remember what happened but all I can say is that it worked somehow. I don’t know how to explain it but it really worked.
All of that plus more happened in a span of 10 months. I cannot describe how much these experiences have changed my outlook on life. But though I am far from perfect and from my ideal self, I am ready to continue changing for the better. Baby steps maybe but these are still steps.
Faith. Patience. Focus.
Lastly, I have made the OC organizer in me work too. I have been monitoring my finances again, trying to find opportunities to invest on, planning my future travels, updating my goals and planning on how to achieve them. I’m gonna let this stage of my life be about strengthening my character.
P.S I have my own car already too! just 8 days ago 🙂 yay to more adventures and hole-in-the-wall places 🙂
As you may have guessed already…
I plan to blog every single day of this year.
Not only do I want to keep this blog active but I also want to improve my writing.
250 words per blog post will be my minimum.
As early as now, I want to clarify that not everything that I post might make sense to you.
It will cover random things from what happened at work (yes, work) to my biases to new discoveries to my reactions on articles and such.
And to explain what I mean by work..
As I have said before here, I will have a term away from school to discover myself more and to give my dad’s craft a chance.
Who knows.. I might actually love it after trying it right?
I’ve come to realize – with the help of the internet – that since I’m going to be entering my 20s soon which is crucial for self-growth, I should dedicate this year for myself and for myself only.
Yes, I know that sounds a bit selfish but I really want this year to be for self-improvement.
I want to love myself.
Not that I do not.. but I don’t think I love myself that much.
Okay I admit that there are times that I feel that I am conceited or whatnot but there is something deep within me that doesn’t accept what I am fully.
I have a lot of insecurities that no one else knows but me.
I want to remove them all and prove to myself that I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling about my issues right now.
I really want to give myself a present for my 21st birthday next year and that gift is my improved self.
What do you think? 🙂
From the gazillion thoughts in my head about what I should start writing about..
I decided on writing about WANTS.
Everyone has a lot of wants in their lives.
No one is an exception.
From the star-crossed ones to the most wealthy people on the planet, no one is exempted.
That is just the way life works.
From their status to their hair style, there is always at least one thing a person wants to change or improve.
As for me, I have a lot of that.
From material things to my physical appearance, I always have something that I want to change.
I need not have the most recent and “cool” mobile phone but I really prefer a certain brand, Samsung.
Yes, my last purchase wasn’t Samsung *sigh* but I might have one around this month.
For my tablet, I am perfectly happy with my Samsung Galaxy Tablet 8.9 – P7300.
Saved up for it as a gift for myself on my 18th birthday which was a year and 6-7 months ago already.
I wish I can say that I have a camera and that I am very much contented with it but.. no.. I don’t have one.
As for how I look..
I think it is normal for most girls to feel insecure about their outward appearance one way or another but I believe life will be so much better if we learn to love ourselves for who we really are.
The first step? Declaration.
Admittedly, I am a very very insecure person.
Though it may not look like that most of the time because of my “I don’t care” facade, I really am.
I really am insecure about my weight.
From my childhood till I was in 2nd year high, I honestly have minimal problem related to weight gain.
I wasn’t the thinnest but my weight was just right.
But now.. I think I am nearing the end of my normal weight range.
For my binge eating, I know that I am to blame for the lack of self-control.
Second is my skin.
The sun exposure because of ACP (Aerospace Cadets of the Philippines), a mandatory program in my high school, caused the color of my skin to be uneven.
I really want to be fair like before!
Mosquitoes just love me for some reason.
Old folks say that because my blood is sweeter than usual, the smell is much more appetizing to insects.
Not that I have a lot of scars but when I wear shorts or skirts or dresses, if I’m not careful, I go home with mosquito bites.
My face.. is such a big insecurity for me.
I blame my acne on my genes.
Nuff said for that area.
Contrary to the ones I’ve stated, one thing I thank my genes for is my height.
I am not supermodel tall but compared to the average height of females here in the Philippines, being 5 foot and 6 inches is a blessing.
The second step? Acceptance.
I am trying to work on it by the help of books, God and by loving myself.
Work out not because you hate your body but because you love it.
Our wants in life reflect most of our insecurities and other short comings.
For one to fully love oneself and to be able to impart that kind of love to others requires accepting yourself as you and not as someone who you want yourself to be.
As for my journey towards loving myself as myself, I think I still have a long way to go but I think what is important is that I’ve already started.
How about you?
What are your insecurities?
Sometimes, when I need inspiration, I read articles on the internet and learn from them as much as I could.
Let me share to you one of the posts I’ve come across. 🙂
As Jack London once said, “The proper function of man is to live, not to exist.” Far too often we travel through life on autopilot, going through the motions, accepting what is, and having every day pass like the one before it. Everything seems relatively normal and comfortable, except that constant twitch in the back of your mind that’s saying, “It’s time to make some changes.”
Here are 15 simple suggestions for those who want to break free from the mold and truly live more of their life – to experience it and enjoy it to the fullest, instead of settling for a mere existence.
- Appreciate the great people and things in your life. – Sometimes we don’t notice the things others do for us until they stop doing them. Don’t be like that. Be grateful for what you have, who loves you, and who cares for you. You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they’re no longer beside you. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it to live. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
- Ignore other people’s negativity. – If you allow people to make more withdrawals than deposits in your life, you will be out of balance and in the negative before you know it. Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary. No one has the right to judge you. They may have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. You do not have control over what others say; but you do have control over whether or not you allow them to say these things to you. You alone candeny their poisonous words from invading your heart and mind.
- Forgive those who have hurt you. – I forgive people, but that doesn’t mean I trust them. I just don’t have time to hate people who hurt me, because I’m too busy loving people who love me. The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to move forward is the happiest. Be brave. Be strong. Be happy. Be free.
- Be who you really are. – If you’re lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everybody else, don’t change. Uniqueness is priceless. In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. It takes a lot of courage to stand alone, but it’s worth it. Being YOU is worth it!
- Choose to listen to your inner voice. – Life is a courageous journey or nothing at all. We cannot become who we want to be by continuing to do exactly what we’ve been doing. Choose to listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else. Do what you know in your heart is right for YOU. It’s your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you. And be sure to appreciate every day of your life. Good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience, and the worst days give you the best lessons. ReadBoundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No.
- Embrace change and enjoy your life as it unfolds. – The hardest part about growing is letting go of what you were used to, and moving on with something you’re not. Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting, and have faith that things will work out. Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but eventually you will arrive precisely where you need to be.
- Choose your relationships wisely. – The best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s showing it every day in every way. Relationships must be chosen wisely. Don’t rush love. Wait until you truly find it. Don’t let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know you don’t belong with. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. A great relationship is worth waiting for.
- Recognize those who love you. – The most memorable people in your life will be the ones who loved you when you weren’t very loveable. Pay attention to who these people are in your life, and love them back, even when they aren’t acting loveable.
- Love yourself too. – If you can love children, in spite of the messes they make; your mother, in spite of her tendency to nag; your father, even though he’s too opinionated; your sibling, even though she’s always late; your friend, even though he often forgets to return what he borrows, then you know how to love imperfect people, and can surely love yourself.
- Do things your future self will thank you for. – What you do every day matters more than what you do every once in a while. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. Make sure it’s worthwhile.
- Be thankful for all the troubles you don’t have. – There are two ways of being rich: One is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with what you have. Accept and appreciate things now, and you’ll find more happiness in every moment you live. Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don’t have. And remember, you have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life. Read The How of Happiness.
- Leave enough time for fun. – Sometimes you need to take a few steps back to see things clearly. Never let your life become so filled with work, your mind become so crammed with worry, or your heart become so jammed with old hurts or anger, that there’s no room left in them for fun, for awe, or for joy.
- Enjoy the little things in life. – The best things in life are free. There is absolute joy and wonder to be had in the simplest of moments. Watching the sunset over the horizon or spending time with a family member. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.
- Accept the fact that the past is not today. – Don’t let the past steal your present and future from you. You might not be proud of all the things you’ve done in the past, but that’s okay. The past is not today. The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased. It can only be accepted. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.
- Let go when you must. – It’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken. Some relationships and situations just can’t be fixed. If you try to force them back together, things will only get worse. Sometimes it’s about starting over and creating something better. Strength shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over again with a smile on your face and passion in your heart.
I might share another article tomorrow.
Please anticipate it 🙂